To Respond Or Not to Respond

I have really struggled that past 5 or 6 weeks in school because of my discussion board assignments. Some of the reason is because my life has become a lot busier with my business and family due to the holiday season. However, much of it, I think, has to do with the dynamic of the group. I am the only male in a group of 4 or 5 people, and though that is not usually an issue with me, in this case I think it might be a factor. Let me explain a bit, I have not really had an issue making my initial posts each week, the issue comes in responding to the other posts. I am a firm believer in writing with my heart and gut, and for the most part this has always done me well. Now I am not sure if this is something that is just me and my interpretation of what is being said, or the intend behind what is being said, but the subject matter that we are studying and writing about lends itself to be very sensitive to couples, especially from the female side of it. How spouses are treated in a relationship, and most recently, the equality within the home and marriage are front runners in the discussions. I have found myself being very cautious in trying to articulate my responses for fear of instigating something that would not be appropriate. Long ago I learned to pick and choose my battles, and this is no different. However, in this case those battles could very well be my incorrect perception of their words, or they could be interjecting thoughts to someone that truly is not willing to listen, especial to one of the opposing sex. Many of the posts I have had the pleasure to read have had the tone of contempt, and honestly, I just didn’t feel like I should delve into that rocky, slippery slope.

All that said, it does not mean that I was left without personal learning. Each of these posts that I mention speak truth in the matter of how one should be treated. Husbands should not impose control over their wives or children. They are equal to their wives in all aspects of life, love, and God. This, however, is not always the way husband see their relationships, and because of this strife is abundant in their marriage. Speaking with my own wife about all this she gave me some wonderful counsel. She stated “you cannot directly change your spouse, all you can do is love them and try to figure out what you can do to help make things work” (1). She then went on to explain to me that by trying to change the other person you are only going to cause pain for pointing out negatives about them. No one likes to be shown incorrect, and by putting someone on the spot in this way diminishes their self-worth, regardless of the correctness of the observation. From talking to my wife, and reading the texts from John Gottman and H. Wallace Goddard I have learned that working in the “you” universe is detrimental to the relationship. By working in the “you” universe a person shows the introduction of the four horseman that Gottman references, by delivering criticisms and contempt you only cause heart ache and pain, and this pain will lead to the demise of the relationship.

I am reminded of an anecdote that was told to me many years ago about a young wife who was speaking to her grandmother about her new husband and the frustrations she was experiencing. She asked her grandmother how she was able to stay happily married to her husband with all these frustrations. Her grandmother’s response was to “just love him. Love him like you have never loved before. Then love him even more.” As I started learning my own ways and situations I have learned the truth to this advice. When you focus on our spouse and do for them and set aside our own needs and desires, then the Lord will see fit to soften the heart of the other. This softening will usually result in a desire from them to do better and show the same love and respect they are receiving. I have learned that at the very center of all situations in my relationship is love and respect. Many would say it should be God or the Lord, but are not love and respect the basic attributes of these great deities? When you can treat your spouse the way the Lord treats all of God’s children then your marriage can only blossom into a strong and happy union of one.

I have also learned that opinions of others really doesn’t help the situation at all. The challenges can only be solved by those involved, and should only be dealt with from within, with guidance from the Spirit and a trained marital counselor who remains unbiased. This understanding may be the very reason that I have been challenged to find the words to respond these past weeks. Remember that picking your battles is extremely important, but no battle is as important as the one that you are personally involved in, and that is the battle of your own marriage and family. Focusing on them with the guidance of the Spirit will always have beneficial outcomes.

Works Cited  

1. Johnson, Donnita. Quoted directly to husband.