Surviving the Families

The dynamic of the in-law family is interesting to me mainly because I have seen it from both sides of the equation. Being one that has been married twice, I have had the privilege of experiencing this twice and found that each time the actions of the in-laws were the same. Though it was from different sides of the family. My first marriage was one where my wife was victim of her in-law (my mother) not thinking she was good enough for me and therefore suffered tremendous conflict and ridicule from my mother. Most of this issue was due to my mother blaming my wife for us making our own choices about our marriage and life, especially when it went against what my mother wanted or believed was best for us. No amount of discussion with my mother would change her heart or actions toward my wife. Sadly, we had to resort to distancing ourselves from her to help our relationship grow and not be influenced by outside sources. At the same time, I was subject to open dislike by my wife’s parents and family, however, they put their feelings aside to allow us our time and decision making ability. I will admit that the animosity from our families was stressful on our relationship, and sadly it did indeed end, though not entirely because of the family.

My second marriage has been different as my wife is a very different person than my first wife. She is one that does not like confrontation and will do whatever she can to avoid it. This does not mean that she doesn’t stand for and protect her family, because she does, but she has learned to be firm, but respectful. The way my wife is caused my mother to immediately like her and speak highly of her, even when my wife stood her ground and told my mother that she would not do or allow my mother to dictate anything concerning our family or our marriage. This is not something my mother appreciates, but oddly enough, it has led to a very special bond between them. Honestly, one that I would not have seen coming. My relationship with my in-law was respectable but strained, as I was again viewed as not good enough for my wife. However, none of this has caused issues in our relationship as we try to leave our families out of our discussions. In those times that we have to discuss issues concerning or involving the extended family, we do so by trying to separate it from our family. In other words, we make sure the issue is not, cannot, and will not affect our family before we discuss it. That way it can be discussed without concern of harming and influencing us as a separate family. In those times that it can or does affect our family, we discuss it and make our decision together and become one, so we can stand together and not be divided by the other family members.

We have learned that keeping our concerns and challenges within the walls of our own home and family is the best action for us. We turn to each other for counsel, and we turn to each other for guidance in the family. In the times that we need more guidance, we turn to the Father and ask his counsel. This has always worked for us, and I don’t see us changing anything in the future. Our marriage is between us and the Lord, therefore any decisions about the family is limited to those three persons as well. I am pleased that is the direction we choose to do it because now we are basically alone in life now. My wife’s parents have both passed now, and my father died 30 years ago. My mother is still with us, but is starting show the signs of her age and we don’t expect she will be with us much longer. By setting a standard of trusting in the Lord and ourselves we have built a strong trusting relationship. When it comes to our family, we have learned that trust in each other and the Lord is the best solution.