Awakened By Reality

I have learned a great deal about myself in the past 10 years as I have sought to better understand myself and my situation, and to heal from childhood abuse. However, no amount of learning can compare to the quantities of data that have been processed over the past 11 weeks. I have been shown who I really am, and what I was shown is something that I don’t like. I knew I was a person damaged from childhood, and I knew that it has been affecting my relationships, both past and current. I have made great efforts to learn to change my thinking and my outlook, and for the most part I feel that I have been making wonderful strides in this journey, but something happened this week that has caused me to wonder if it is enough. I wonder if it is too late.

Saturday morning one of my best friends was called home by the Father. He suffered a severe heart attack while mountain biking with some other friends. He lived long enough to achieve his only concern at the time and that was to see his wife and tell her he loved her. Nothing else mattered to him. Friends didn’t matter, family didn’t matter, only his wife mattered. They had spent a very short time together in the room when she came out and announced that he was gone. He was able to tell his wife he loved her, then he left. In the horror and torment of death his only thought was of his wife, not of his family, or even himself. What a wonderful true showing of love and commitment that he showed her.

As one would imagine, I was reeling the rest of the day and really couldn’t do much of anything because of the weight that was on my mind. My wife was a wonderful comfort as she consoled me in this time of grief. The next day, Sunday, I was sitting at home with a couple of sick kids and started to wonder about myself and my relationship. With all the work that I have done to heal and better myself, is my marriage in the right place? Have I been the best husband I can be? Have I treated my bride with all the respect she deserves? I sat and pondered these questions and as I did I thought back to the teachings I have just received from this course. Gottman’s words echoed in my mind as I evaluated my life, marriage, and self. As I was processing those echoes the four horseman entered my mind and I again understood the damaging effects that are caused by criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Like watching a movie, I was shown the many times that I attacked with “you” statements rather than turning toward my wife and showing love, compassion, and understanding. I was shown the many places where I do not really know my wife, and I was reminded that I need to be an emotionally intelligent husband and yield to my wife. I need to remember that she is there to make me better and whole. Without her I cannot progress as I should. I have learned that life is not a happy one without the true emotional love and connection of your spouse. Is my marriage in the right place? I can honestly say it is not perfect, but I know we can make it better. Have I been the best husband I can be? No, I have been selfish and ultimately uncaring. Have I treated my bride with all the respect she deserves? No, she deserves all the respect of a Goddess and that is something I have not shown her, but things can and will change. 

I have learned that it is never too late and that we are to strive to marital perfection always. My wife is my life and I should treat her as such. She has made me want to be a better person just by being herself. My mind is racing, but in the end I have learned that this existence is short and there is but very little time to treasure and cherish your spouse while in the mortal time. All emphasis and energy should be on our spouse and what we can do to make things better for them. My friend instilled one thing in me, and that is the desire to long for that one person. To think only of them, even in the face of death. My wife is where my attention should always be, and this commitment I willfully make. I will be a better man and husband.

Where do you stand in your marriage? Will your thoughts be only of your eternal mate in those last hours, or minutes?