Turning Back the Sands of Time

I remember sitting and talking with my grandmother many years ago being in awe of your positive upbeat attitude about life. She was the recipient of many years of unhappy times due to an abusive husband, and a growing up and living during the Great Depression. Many times she told me of not having a lot to eat or even times where she and her siblings didn’t have shoes. Yet through all of these unhappy times she was still very happy in herself and her life. I asked her one day how she could be so happy and upbeat considering the life she was forced to live. Her response kind of surprised me. He said she was happy because even though the times in her life were hard, she can look back on those many years with fondness and remember the good times and the good things. Even her abusive husband brings goodness to her heart and mind as she recalled the many good things he did and was. I grew up wondering if simply remembering the “good times” could actually affect a person’s outlook and feelings.

My learning this week brought back many memories of those times with my grandmother as it has been about the very thing that my grandmother spoke about so many years ago. We can all agree that marriage is not an easy task to endure with. It comes with many obstacles, annoyances, and challenges. However, it is also extremely fulfilling when it is worked and nurtured. One of the biggest thing that married couples should, and need, to do is nurture the admiration for their spouse that was there from the beginning. So many times life gets in the way and derails a person’s ability to continue to admire the other, but how do we know if our admiration is fading? How do we recognize the erosion that comes from criticism and contempt? In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman tells us to test our knowledge of each other. Being able to point out and list specific things that you admire about them, or why you married them are big indicators of your level of admiration. If you struggle to list things of this nature then you may be suffering from an eroded sense of admiration. If you realize you have this erosion, what can you do about it? One of the things that Gottman discusses is remembering your history. Try remembering back to the first date. What happened? What were they wearing? Many times, remembering good times from history will remind you of why you are together. Often times the good things get overshadowed by the “now” things and we begin to forget.

This week, I sat and made a couple lists of my wife. First, I made a list of the things that attracted me to her in the beginning, pointing out why I continued pursuing a relationship with her. Secondly, I made a list of all the things I truly admire about her. To be completely honest, the first list was really easy to make. I look back on our dating times with fondness. Life was fun and spontaneous. We made a point to be interested in each other. I pursued the relationship because she made me feel complete, and dare I say, she made me feel comfortable. The second list, however, was a little harder to do. Especially since I was doing it so many years after those early times. I really struggled to come with things that I admired about her, but as I sat and remembered the times from when we dated the admiration began to flow. I then proceeded to list a great many things about her, both from the times in the past, and especially from the times now. She has so many qualities that I admire that they are almost too many to count. Now I will be honest here, I am not sure I would have been able come up with such a vast list had I not just done the list from the past. Those wonderful memories, those wonderful feelings that came rushing back were truly the fuel that ignited my admiration again. Life has indeed gotten in the way, but it has not changed us, it has distracted us from our focus.

As a couple, our focal priority is to each other, always. We cannot allow anything to distract us from

each other and the good nurturing that should be happening. If your relationship is suffering from an erosion of admiration for each other, stop and nurture that admiration. Your spouse has good, is good, and it is up to you to see it. I promise you, when you can focus on that good that your spouse has, you will be driven to admire that person deeply, turning your focus even more toward them. You will develop a need to serve, and you will become a selfless person in the relationship. When both parties are selfless and doing for the other, then both parties are being taken care of.