The Man in the Mirror

Have you ever looked in a mirror failing to recognize the person looking back at you? This is what happened to me this week as I studied my lessons for school. Being a recovering victim of abuses as a child, and one that has chosen to further his education in the field of Marriage and Family Studies, I have had the pleasure, or not so pleasure, of seeing myself in a real light. This light, however, did not do much for my countenance as it showed me that I am far from the person that I thought myself to be. Since I have started this educational journey I have consistently began each lesson with a prayer for the Spirit to guide and instruct me. This my friends can be and is a double edge sword if you are not prepared for the truth.

I have been married for just shy of 17 years, and since this one is my second marriage I have been very mindful of things throughout the years. Now I know that I have deep setting issues that stem from my childhood, and I know that those issues interfere with my relationship, but I have always honestly considered my marriage to be fairly happy. I was asked by a very good friend not long ago if I loved my wife. This struck me as an odd question, but I went with it and answered that I did. Strangely enough, that is where he left it. He just let my answer float there as if it needed no other explanation. This question re-entered my mind as I started my weeks reading, and I came to a very powerful and real truth, actions speak louder than words or intentions. How we treat our spouses is an outward sign of how we feel about them.

John Gottman, the founder and director of the Gottman Institute and a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, states “Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that communication – and more specifically, learning to resolve your conflicts – is the royal road to romance and an enduring, happy marriage” (John M. Gottman, 2015). This statement struck me as odd since I have grown up learning, and have been to several counselors that state that communication is the most important thing in relationships. However, I believe Gottman may be on to something when he makes this claim. As I read further, and absorbed his explanation, it occurred to me that we communicate constantly. Everybody communicates all the time. It is just not done in the way that many doctors, and couples for that matter, think it should be done. One of the most powerful forms of communication is body language. It really doesn’t matter what you are saying if your body language does not agree with the words that are coming out of your mouth. Your body language will give you away every time. It will show your anger, discontent, boredom, love, arousal, and commitment. You don’t have to say a word, and people can usually get an understanding as to your presents. However, body language is not all.

Remember the saying “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words can never hurt me”. Well, let me tell you whole heartedly that is a one of the biggest lies fed to the children of God. Words are powerful. They have changed nations and started wars. They have the power to build a person up and empower them to do great things, but they also have been known to utterly destroy a person, a marriage, or a family. Words are not harmless. This is where my unrecognizable image haunts me. As I read Gottman and absorbed what he was saying, I started to realize that I recognized the things he was teaching. I saw myself in the examples he used to explain his point. As he spoke about the four horseman, I recognized criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as close personal friends in my marriage. This reality crushed me as I thought I was doing the right things. A question entered my mind as I pondered my reading, “Do you talk to your friends the way you talk to your wife?” “Do you treat them better?” These questions made me think long and hard about who my wife was to me. I think there is a misconception that your partner is first and foremost your spouse, then maybe your lover. However, your spouse is first and foremost, your friend, your very best friend. They are the ones that you should be opening up to, they should be the ones that know you better than anyone else. I realized, I do not treat my “friend” the way she deserves. I am selfish and self-serving. The Lord teaches love and righteousness, and I have noticed that love is always first in this equation. He teaches respect, patience, charity, sacrifice, and most of all love. You cannot have love or happiness in the presence of contempt, criticism, and hateful speaking. Leave hateful words at the door, let them go. They have no place in your home or in your life. I realized my marriage is suffering because my communication reflects me being concerned more about myself than my wife, and this is backwards.

Be nice, be respectful, and most of all, be concerned more about your spouse than yourself. I will leave you with four questions that H. Wallace Goddard asks in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage:

1.      What are some ways that your spouse is perfectly designed to help you grow spiritually?

2.      How can you more gladly welcome the challenges that your spouse offers you?

3.      Do you feel compassion for your partner’s difficulties and disappointments?

4.      Could you study what your partner’s pains mean to him or her in order to cultivate your compassion?

These questions helped me to look at my wife and her challenges, and turn my mind to understanding her needs. I challenge you to answer these questions for yourself and see where the Spirit takes you.

Works Cited

John M. Gottman, P. a. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books.