Little Things Matter

Little things in life matter more than most people like to think they do. For the most part, little things are pushed aside as insignificant and unneeded when the truth of the matter is that those little things always build up and become major issues. This is especially true when you are talking about marriages and peoples relationships. It is hard enough to bring two people together that are, for the most part, different from each other. They are usually raised with different values and habits. These differences are one of those little things that I am talking about. In the early stages we experience these differences and usually just dismiss them as a small annoyance. However, over time these little annoyances group together and build up and some become a problem for the relationship. Many times it causes contention to the point that each member no longer really desires to do for one another. To go along with this issue, we are a people of selfish desires and tend to look out for ourselves and make sure that we are satisfied and protected before we look outwardly to others. It is here that I think we can do some little things to make things better in the relationship.

Many people think that a marriages can and will take care of themselves and therefore there is really no need to try hard or to proactively think things through. However, John M. Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work hints that this is absolutely a false belief and that it does indeed take patience and forethought for a relationship to succeed. He points out two things that he feels must happen to accomplish a pleasing relationship, and he calls them “turning toward each other” and “creating shared meaning”. Both of these things require the members to actively think about what they are going to do or say to their significant other, and choosing the one that will garner good reception and feelings. For instance, think about what you can do to help your spouse throughout the day and do it, or think about what your spouse has said, in anger or frustration, and determine a gentler response to it rather than responding in anger. Looking for ways to turn toward each other emotionally will build and succor the strength and romance of the relationship. Likewise, doing things that build pleasant shared meanings will always move the relationship in the right direction. You don’t always have to like or appreciate the things that your spouse does as a hobby, but appreciating them as your spouse and sharing in those hobbies from time to time will show them that you are interested in them and therefore desire to be with them and build a better relationship.

I personally have seen strength building in my relationship from doing these little things. Honestly, I was pretty convinced that it wouldn’t work, that we were probably too far gone in our relationship. I made the conscious effort to think before I did anything, and I soon found that I was not reacting as much as I was responding to my wife. This made a huge difference in our lives and communication. I have tried to understand what she may be feeling or experiencing at that moment and respond gently and kindly. The positive is I have started seeing a reciprocation from her in the same manner. Conversations or annoyances that used to lead to arguments and fights, now are discussed openly and lovingly, and because of this, we have grown closer together and better aligned in our desired purpose. We enjoy each other again, and take advantage of that regularly with a date night. That is something that had not happened for a long time because we would find excuses not to be able to go out. We are thinking of each other first, and not of ourselves.

Where do you stand in your relationship? Can your relationship use some strengthening or building? If so, do it now, don’t wait, and don’t think it will fix itself, because it won’t. It is not capable of self-healing. You must be the one to work and make it better, stronger, and successful.